Supermom, It’s Okay to Say No: Self-Care for the Chronically Over-scheduled

Are you chronically over scheduled? Do you struggle with self care? I do, too, supermom. Let’s figure it out, together.

I’m a child of the 80s, and I loved Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman.

Those bracelets. That hair! That amazing twirly thing she could do that would take her from mild-mannered nurse to patriotic-bustiered hero…

It was almost too much for my nine year old self to handle.

Decades later, my childhood fascination with Wonder Woman is indeed a little too much. I’ve taken the supermom syndrome to its furthest extremes, falling prey to what society says I should be able to do:

1. Pretty much everything
2. All at once
3. In heels

I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t have the time or energy to listen to society. I need to listen to my Maker guard the gifts he’s given me instead, knowing that He – not the world – has my best interests at heart.

I have to learn to say no, and take better care of myself.

Supermom, It’s Okay to Say No: Self-Care for the Chronically Overscheduled

The Nemesis: Fear

I suffer from FOMO – big time. I don’t want my kids to miss anything, and frankly, I don’t want to, either. Dance classes. Soccer teams. Running clubs. Science fairs. Coffee chats. MNO’s. If it’s out there, I feel like we should do it.

Until our kids become the canary in the coal mine.

A few months ago, my husband and I committed to a day-long couples retreat offering child care on site. Our 10 and two  year olds were fine with going, but our six year old had a meltdown. Amidst the general wailing, gnashing of teeth, and insistence that she WOULD NOT GO, our daughter said something that made a whole lot of sense:

“Every single morning we get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, and leave the house. I just want to stay home for a day!”

Her complaint was valid. We’d been leaving the house pretty much every day, and not in a peaceful manner. What good is it for us to participate in enrichment activities if we’re not actually getting anything out of them but stress?

The Superpower: A Mission Statement

B’s tantrum that morning may have brought me to the edge of my sanity, but it also gave birth to our family mission statement. We needed a guiding principal for our choices, one which respected our family’s interests and aligned with God’s will for our lives. We talked to the kids, sat down as a couple, and hammered out our goals for our marriage, our children, and our homeschool. I refer back to that mission statement every time we’re faced with a new opportunity or activity, carefully discerning whether our participation will help or hinder our mission.

If you want to create your own mission statement, keep it brief and simple. Take your family’s interests and limits into account, and keep the focus on what makes your household peaceful, joyful, and productive. Jot it down, keep it in a conspicuous place, and revisit/revise as necessary. When you’re faced with another opportunity or activity, keep my husband’s words of wisdom in mind: stick to the mission and you will get through.

The Nemesis: Pride

Holy arrogance, Batman – have I got a lot of pride. It’s  my root sin and something I’ve struggled with my whole life. When I was a kid, it mostly manifested in a consistent desire to be right all the time. Now that I’m an adult, it’s way more problematic.

I have a tendency to believe I’m always the best person for the job and, as a result, I’m the only one who can effectively complete it. Then I take it on and fall apart.

The Superpower: Prayer and Reflection

It’s simple, really. The more I turn this issue over to God, the easier it is  to know my own limits. I try to pray the Litany of Humility  often, and I ask God to keep me in check when my pride is getting the best of me (gently – because you know what they say about asking for patience, and I’ve found it’s pretty much the same with humility).

If you’d like to develop a spirit of humility, find a prayer, meditation, or mantra that helps you keep your pride in check. Take a look at the people around you, too, and actively recognize their talents and gifts. True appreciation of other people’s abilities helps take some of the focus off ourselves.

The Nemesis: Disappointment

I don’t like to let people down. The fear I might disappoint someone close to me (and who am I kidding – someone I barely even know) has caused me to take on way more than I can handle.

This school year has been a fiasco. I’ve spent most of it running around like a Keystone Cop, complete with that frantic music looping in the background. Everything has suffered, from our homeschool to my professional life and all of it in between. I decided a few weeks ago that we would pull way back for next year, turning down co-op, activity, and work opportunities so we could focus on bringing the joy back to our lives.

Then I got an email from an associate asking if I would teach a dual enrollment English course, a pilot partnership between homeschool hybrid programs and the local community college. In order to make it work, the organizer needed a qualified instructor.

I was qualified, and if I said no, the course had a strong chance of falling through.

The Superpower: Objectivity

I was way too close to the opportunity to make a sound decision. I felt obligated to say yes – not by the associate, but by my own sense of duty and a fear that my no would mean the death of a wonderful opportunity. I needed an objective third party, so I posted in two of my most trusted Facebook groups and asked them to help me see the pros and cons.

The truth is, our choices very well may disappoint other people. But you know what? It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with putting our own needs first, especially when those needs have a direct impact on the health and wellbeing of our families. If you need to develop a sense of objectivity, find trusted friends who have your best interests at heart. Turn to them when fear of disappointment clouds your vision, and you’ll be better able to make a sound decision.

The Nemesis: Habit

Falling prey to our fear, pride, and disappointment can become a habitual practice. But we can also find ourselves saying yes to activities and opportunities because it’s what we’ve always done. Sometimes it just feels weird to say no.

The Superpower: Practice

This is where practice comes in handy. It takes time to break a habit, sometimes weeks or months. I’ve started with the small things, like skipping occasional playdates or not signing up to bring a baked good to a potluck. The more practice I have with saying no, the easier it is to do it.

Being a supermom doesn’t mean we do everything all the time. Being a supermom means we know and accept our limits so we can excel in the stuff that really matters.

We don’t have to lead every club.

We don’t have to teach every class.

We don’t have to do it all.

We just have to do what our vocation tells us, and take good care of ourselves.

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